Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Who.
Did.
This?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
When I laugh on my period
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.