My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
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Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Who’s your best friend?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?