I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
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I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.