My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
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bro what is going on at twitter
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer