What an awful time to have common sense.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.