It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic