me when i see my girls butt
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In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me driving through Toronto
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
tell em, edith-anne
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.