*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.