Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.