DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.