I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
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ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
At least he brought enough for everyone
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.