me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure