When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*