On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.