*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
You Might Also Like
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?