I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Woke up against my better judgment again
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.