cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
How does one answer this?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?