I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
just pretend nothing happened
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep