This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow