[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally