not to brag, but mine was free
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Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Dear Lord..
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?