Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
😂💯
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
You got this…
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?