Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.