Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
shut up and take my money
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
This forever.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
This is a whole mood;
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing