Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Why am I like this?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I didn’t come here to be called names
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”