Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar