[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Kids: Stay in school.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.