Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”