Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.