I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My first child will be named New Folder.