This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in