Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
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Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.