dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
No way!
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.