I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My time has come.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?