Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks