If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?