God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
plums roundup
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.