The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Weirdly Wednesday.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears