Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.