Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.