WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Children of the corn 🌽
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?