me when the borders lift
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
that wasn’t the question
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.