jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting