A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
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HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[on my way back to the posting caves]
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…