Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”