Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
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So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
What the dentist sees
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo