[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
You Might Also Like
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.