*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..