I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Cinematography is my passion
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
SPLOOT
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Phonetics
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
How to find Kentucky on a map
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”