If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn鈥檛 have condoms.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
鈥AY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The Face ID on my phone doesn鈥檛 recognise me when I鈥檓 smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I wrote out SOS with M&M鈥檚
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M鈥檚
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* 鈥o YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they鈥檙e pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.馃寧鉂わ笍馃Ъ馃寧
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
When I retire I鈥檓 going to run from office.
I鈥檝e been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I鈥檝e been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there鈥檚 no difference
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there鈥檚 some transferable skills there.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resum茅 nonetheless